25th june, 2020.
i've been pretty quiet over the past couple of weeks as i wanted to focus on my studies. now that i'm nearly done and about to graduate, i can slow down a bit, catch up on some sleep, maybe indulge in some hobbies beyond chatting in 18+ discord servers. i've even applied for a couple of fashion production jobs, so hopefully i get a lucky break in that regard.
i recently bought quite a lot of skincare/beauty products, including a rose quartz gua sha stone. i've been interested in facial massage and how it could help with signs of stress and aging. i've used it a few times already since, and it definitely feels nice. even if it doesn't make a substantial difference, it does feel good to have those 10-15 minutes to taking care of myself at night.
i plan to also buy a car and upgrade my phone. i have to use my mum's car whenever i want to drive anywhere, and i've wanted to have my own car for years now. having my own car to drive will be one step closer to independence for me, and i've wanted to be independent for years. my phone isn't that old, still an iphone 6s, but... i won't lie, i can't help but feel envious of others with better phones. i'm not sure whether to stick to apple or make the switch to samsung. i'll focus on getting the car first, then think about the phone after.
12th june, 2020.
things at school are okay for now. my biggest concern (regarding the critical error) had a simple and elegant solution, so it's full steam ahead on that front. i still have a lot of things left to do, but if all goes well i will be graduating on time. however, i'm still worried about the job market... we're in a recession right now, and it's only three months before people are expected to be back at work.
speaking of work, my boyfriend was officially let go earlier this week. i'm really worried... i don't really know what to say regarding this. hopefully he can find a job soon... it breaks my heart to think about him struggling again.
the pogchamps chess tournament has reignited my interest in the game. i've only ever had a surface-level interest in it, but i like how much effort has been put into the game over hundreds of years to analyse and perfect the game. i even played a few 10-minute matches with my boyfriend earlier today. there's no luck to hide behind, so there's nothing to hide behind when you make a mistake. i hope i can have more fun with him, and chess, like this.
3rd june, 2020.
things are getting busier and busier with uni these days. i made a critical error that was only spotted now, so worst case scenario i'll be forced to redo three months of work in a fortnight. hopefully i can salvage as much as i can, but i'm preparing myself for the worst. hopefully i don't go too crazy and i can keep myself together. hopefully i can get a job out of this.
yes, i'm still hung up on my ex. i think one of the worse things about this emotional limbo is that i cannot tactfully bring up whatever gripes i had with her before the breakup, because it'll just look petty. there are many things i want to say to her, but her possible reactions make me feel nauseous with anxiety. talking to her has always been difficult, and at this point i would rather we disappear from each other's lives than try and iron out the kinks in whatever relationship we have now.
cutting myself off from this current group of friends will be painful to both me and them, but i'm not emotionally mature or strong enough to maintain civil contact with my ex and her girlfriend much longer. covid-19 lockdown has helped a lot with the feelings of resentment, but i also think it's only delayed the inevitable. i either wait for them to elope to the fields of southern france, or i (once again) be the proactive one and cut myself out of their life and let them breathe.
22nd may, 2020.
cw: mentions of sexual content.
i'm quieter here, so i guess i'm happier now than i was a month ago. keeping myself busy with school work has been good for now. i only need to keep this pace up till the end of june. afterwards... i'm not sure. things have taken quite the downturn over the past few months, and it'll take quite a while for everything to return to normal.
being more social through discord servers has helped with my loneliness somewhat, but i still feel myself being avoidant. the server i'm in has nearly 14k people now, and i'm not comfortable talking to the already-formed cliques just yet. i'm thinking of joining a few more to see if i can find a community where i feel i belong. 18+ discord servers would be best; i'm already in my 20s, and talking to high school kids would be... weird.
i've also had weird encounters via dms on discord. the nature of the 18+ server means that people will eventually message each other privately. i initially let people dm me as long as they asked publicly first, but all i've gotten are older men (as in.. over 40 years old) asking me inappropriate and invasive questions. me wanting to have friends interested in kink does not mean i want to be solicited by old ugly men that have no respect for me. at least they're stupid enough to actually give me personal information that i can use to find their workplace. i've always wanted to blackmail someone for irritating me anyway.
15th may, 2020.
i officially returned to campus this week. it's good to return to some sort of normalcy, and distract myself from things that just make me miserable. i'm getting a little closer with my classmates, so hopefully we can get along well till the end of semester. with the pandemic going on, i'm not sure we'll be getting a proper graduation ceremony for quite a while.
i also joined an 18+ discord server a couple of days ago. there's almost 14k people in the server, so it's a bit overwhelming to try and talk to people, but i've managed to chat to a couple of other individuals. it's nice to be able to talk to other kink enthusiasts in a more appropriate environment. it'll be even better if i can make friends, although that will take some time. there'll always be a few weirdos in servers like these.
10th may, 2020.
i return to school on tuesday. i'm not sure how well that will go down, since both of my parents are vulnerable, but i can't afford to not go. this will be my last semester, whether or not i graduate. the admin there has been nothing but incompetent for my entire time there, and i refuse to stay another semester to deal with their blundering.
i hate going over to my boyfriend's apartment. he and my ex are still dating, so they're still living together, and it's always filthy. he has a habit of leaving the cleaning all to one day every fortnight, and she has a habit of just not cleaning up after herself at all, so there's always ubereats bags and food wrappers lying around everywhere. she thinks it's real cute to say that she doesn't have to do the dishes because she's always eating takeaway. she is little more than a simple animal, and for every moment i remember her i regret getting to know her.
i am bitter. i am intensely bitter. i want her out of my life forever. i want to be out of her life forever. if i want to escape from her, i have to cut myself off from the rest of my friend circle, and i am too much of a coward to go through with that. it feels that i am being shunned more and more from the friend group anyway, so it's only a matter of time before i have no one but my boyfriend to talk to. what a wonderful convenience, for a coward like me.
6th may, 2020.
i'm currently involved in three dnd 5e campaigns (technically four, but one is on hiatus till lockdown is over), and all of them involve my ex, her girlfriend, and our mutual boyfriend. playing used to be fun, but now it's stressful to pretend i'm having fun when i'm barely contributing and being listened to. if i were to quit one campaign just to get away from her, then i will have to quit them all, and i'm not willing to drop out of any of them. my boyfriend dms all but one campaign, and my ex dms the remaining game.
the biggest reasons why i want to drop out of these games is because:
- our playstyles are incompatible and can grind the game to a total standstill. she pretty much only cares for rping, regularly forgets game mechanics, and shows zero interest if her character is not directly involved in the current situation. if her character isn't in the spotlight, she's on her phone browsing twitter, or playing a video game on her switch. at one point she took a nap during an online session. meanwhile, i am a chronic notetaker that likes to crunch numbers and am starting to theorycraft builds to see how much i can powerplay, and get cranky when things aren't done "efficiently". i like to be in control, and thinking of how to improve one's damage output is my way of backseat playing without outright snatching the player sheet.
- expanding on the previous point, our approaches to games are different, because we find entertainment in different aspects of them. games are always more fun when party members can joke around and have a laugh, but i like to take things seriously for the most part. i recognise when the tone shifts into something more serious or sinister, and do my best to respect that. meanwhile, my ex (and her girlfriend) either shuts down and whines the moment anything serious and stressful starts to happen, or immediately rely on joking about the current scenario.
- my ex doesn't show respect when the games are being held. i (as well as other members of the groups) am consistently talked over. it's annoying when i want to contribute and the ex and her girlfriend are running their own comedy skit and not listening to what other people have to say. if i won't be listened to in a team game, then i may as well not be there in the first place. there have been entire sessions where i have been silent outside of combat because these two do not even consider asking the other players what they want to do before they charge ahead with their own plans. it got so bad that my boyfriend (as dm) had to formally and publicly address the issue after another member quit because she felt so left out, and she didn't come back till several months later.
- they're all online, and i can't stand voice chat. i hate it when i hear people eating or drinking or burping, i hate hearing random noise crackling, i hate it when someone's mic blows out or muffled, i hate it when the audio echoes, i hate when people shout. is it really that difficult to mute oneself or leave the call momentarily when something comes up and they have to direct their attention elsewhere? is it really that difficult to excuse oneself when they burp? is it really that difficult to have some manners and learn basic voice chat etiquette?
i can't stop being negative about this, but at least i have it off my chest and typed up into words. i hope having this published means this will be the last i talk of it, and that it will give me the resolve to be more proactive about my future actions regarding this. i do have lots of fun playing dnd 5e when i focus on the aspects of the games that i do enjoy, but that's becoming almost impossible now. i'll try to figure out how to solve these issues myself, because these settings are all incredibly captivating, but i can only carry so many straws before my back breaks.
2nd may, 2020.
stimulus payments are starting to come through for many people here. surprisingly, i was eligible for the recurring payments, as well as the initial boost back in early april. i won't lie, i do appreciate the extra cash. i'll be able to put some away for a rainy day, or a nice gift for myself around my birthday.
i mention this because, deep down, i am a bitter person. i heard that my ex, whilst eligible, did not receive such payments, and hearing that news did fill me with some form of smug satisfaction. she is not very financially responsible; for example, she eats takeaway/ubereats daily, and is prone to impulse spending. she should be okay for a couple of weeks, as she is still employed, but she will need to go through centrelink to ensure she does receive those payments. the system is outdated, temperamental, and unsympathetic, so she will be struggling. but that's not my problem.
in the mean time, studies have resumed for me. moving to online studies while doing a course with many practical hours is a struggle. fortunately, plans of reopening campus for students graduating at the end of semester are underway. on top of that, word of extending the semester is also circulatig. if all goes well, i'll be back on campus by late-may, and i will be able to graduate, just in time to look for a job in a highly competitive industry in the middle of the second recession of this century.
28th april, 2020.
i temporarily deactivated my twitter accounts a few days ago. i muted my ex (and her new girlfriend's) accounts at first, but that doesn't do any good when i keep scrolling through them everyday. at this rate, it's probably best if i have my accounts permanently deleted. either that, or i soft-block them when i come back and just lie about not being on twitter anymore.
lately it feels as if i am being slowly pushed out of the friend group. i feel more irritable and sensitive to criticism, and it doesn't help that my ex's girlfriend (supposedly a good friend of mine) is relying on sarcasm more and more to express her humour. i don't feel like i am being listened to, or my opinions are valued. i am being talked over more and more in our shared dnd sessions. these days it feels as if only my ex and her girlfriend are the only players in the game, with the rest of us being calculators and encyclopaedias, for when they can't remember what their spells do, or when they're too gay to do maths.
i am being immature again. these problems i have will subside if i just communicate my issues. yet, every time i think about it, i get knots in my stomach and throat. my aversion to criticism, plus my ex's poor communication skills, makes it stressful to even think about approaching her with any serious topics. that's probably why our relationship deteriorated to such a point. i think of her as a coward for not breaking up with me when she gave up months ago, yet here i am now, nauseous with anxiety.
maybe cutting myself off from them is the way to go. i am no longer happy when i am around them, and they seem more than happy to shove me out of the friend circle anyway. if i'm going to be a coward about this, then i may as well be proactive about it.
25th april, 2020.
i created this online diary because i was lonely. it's easy to feel lonely when you cannot share your thoughts with anyone. it doesn't help that many of the thoughts i want to let out are unhealthy. if i can quietly vent these thoughts out, then the risk of them making me rot from within decreases.
a basic timeline is required. we started dating all together late january of 2019. she and my partner moved in with each other late september. she started dating her crush early february of this year. late february she discussed how we needed to further work on our relationship, but how she "didn't mind either way" whether we broke up or not. we broke up mid-march. turns out she had checked out of the relationship for months. coward.
i'm doing my best to save face here. all parties involved are in the same, incredibly insular friend circle, and it feels very much like i am the most disposable member of the group. if i leave, or am forced out, i will have no one but my partner and family. i suppose the mature thing to do would be to talk to her directly discuss my feelings with her; flush them out and start over, cleansed. yet, here i am, wracked with anxiety and poisoned with resent.
it hurts to remember how she would be quick to tell me that she loves me, yet never hesitate to sit anywhere but next to me. it hurts to recall moments where she would openly talk about her crush to us. it hurts to acknowledge that she would prioritise her crush over me, always. it hurts to think about moments where, when we finally did go on dates, she would barely pay attention to me.
i am not polyamorous. i am bitter with resent and full of regret for attempting to mould myself for my partner and her. i told myself i would not make the same mistakes i made in my juvenile years, yet here i am, with no one to blame but myself for my fickle behaviours. maybe this time i will finally learn how to be selfish enough to make myself happy.